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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 110
The Mafia Gazette Issue 110 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Friday 17th November ASDA: THE RETURN? By Randle McMurphy The last few days has seen a return to the streets of a faction that has lay dormant for some time now since the death of Don Puck. First with the reappearance of Bertone, one of ASDA’s few remaining high-rankers, then with T1fa, Consigliere and on/off ASDA leader. The re-emergence seems far from a return to ASDA’s roots of family and co-operation, with Bertone implicated in the deaths of two Made Men in the last 24 hours, Massimiliano Pantella, and Frank Grimes both allegedly falling to his gun. Bertone has declined to comment, though an anonymous informant gave the reasoning that Massimiliano Pantella kidnapped and beat a close friend of Bertone, and that Frank Grimes had attacked Bertone first. No comment as yet could be obtained from the families of the two deceased. When asked for her comment on the situation, T1fa insisted that ASDA had never gone away, so this could not possibly be a “return”. However weeks of inactivity in the ASDA camp, and the intermittent vacations taken by T1fa suggest otherwise to the public. There is no comment as yet from ASDA as to their intentions with their recent bursts of activity, though rumours are abound of random attacks to spite the authorities due to the recent disappearance of ASDA gunman Bugsy_Siegal, who has vanished from the United States in shroud of mystery. ASDA have been quoted to blame Govermnent officials for his disappearance, though no evidence to that has been found. The reappearance has sparked rumours of jealousy as the LA based ASDA were left out of a recent alliance of crime bosses, known on the streets as “The Commission”. The rumours have fuelled dissent over the reasons for the death of Don Puck, with the circumstances as given by Bugsy at the time being overshadowed by an alternative version of events, where it was claimed ASDA only struck as Puck appeared more likely to attain the elusive “Godfather” rank before T1fa. No matter what the reasoning for the disappearance and subsequent return of ASDA, it is sure to be an interesting week ahead of us, and The Gazette will strive to bring you the news as it happens. MISS MAFIA: RESULTS ARE IN By Zinglebert Humptyback The tantalising Miss Mafia contest came to a close this week, with the host, Tyler Durden, keeping the community in suspense over the weekend. Contestants dwindled throughout the rounds, with it being left to four of them in the end to finish the race and complete round five. An outstanding effort was made by Carmela DeAngelis in the first round, though she sadly retired from the competition shortly afterwards due to personal reasons. From all accounts it was a close final, with the results ending: 1st – MoneyPenny, 2nd – Bell, 3rd – Cooter, and 4th Witchy. Others entered and scored in the competition, but due to them not completing all five rounds, they were not included in the final tally. It was yet again a scintillating event, proving the point of women’s rights campaigners that women not only have the ability to do any job a man can do, but they have the ability to do it well. The mafia world is blessed to have such fine ladies in it’s midst. ASPIRING FAMILY WIPED OUT By Randle McMurphy Today saw the deaths of four members of an aspiring Miami Street Boss outfit lead by MST_Incognito, after an apparent disagreement with another Street Boss, Detroit based Catastrophe. First fatality was Axez, a Miami Hoodlum based with MST_Incognito, then the Miami Street Boss himself fell to the gun of Catastrophe, who later went on to kill VeraVendetta and Witchy. Before his death, The Gazette managed to interview Catastrophe, who gave the reasoning that MST_Incognito was too inactive to be a real leader, and that he had told him such. He added that he gave MST the ultimatum of a duel, or he would start killing off his members one by one. After a short initial gun battle, MST was incarcerated on an unknown charge for a lengthy period of time, in which Catastrophe started to attack his members. MindTrap was also seen to be shooting in the area at the time, though it is unknown whether the incidents are connected. No interview could be obtained from any relatives of MST at this time. With the eventual death of Catastrophe, hence loss of two Street Bosses, this battle can only be concluded to have been utterly pointless, as neither party has lived to claim their victory. Five more victims to the senseless violence that often plagues our cities, our thoughts go out to the families of the deceased. THE COMMISSION By Randle McMurphy The newest organisation to step up and attempt some semblance of inter-city control is known on the streets now as The Commission. Still in its infancy, it has already been rocked with some major events, which are sure to test the coherence of the group. First, two of it’s acting Godfathers attacked each other, with the incident narrowly avoiding fatalities. With Tewt McDermont and Pest eventually returning to their own cities to lick their wounds, the confrontation soon wound down, and both are now rumoured to be at peace once more. The second bombshell to hit The Commission was the departure of arguably one of it’s most influential and high-profile members, Albert Neri. The reason given for his departure was quoted during an exclusive interview with The Tribune as follows. “Within the next 24 hours I will be withdrawing from the Commission, effective immediately. I had wanted to take some time to assess how the members interacted. What I was looking for was a level of professionalism that would convince me that a country-wide Commission could work. An idea that flies in the face of historical fact. It has not worked as I had hoped. None of the other leaders made their presence known, despite having ample time to do so. A recent gun-battle tells me that a voting system will not work. After discussion with my Lieutenants, it was decided what we were putting in, we were unlikely to get back and that this situation was unlikely to change anytime soon. We don't need the help of a Commission to run Atlanta and so our future business is with our own city, as a family.” (Thank you to The Tribune for that extract) With this striking blow to The Commission, it will be interesting to see what becomes of this alliance of families over the coming weeks, as their mettle will almost certainly be tested by non-members curious of their strength without Neri and his Atlanta-based outfit. As always, any further developments will be brought to you as they happen. MAN KILLED BY CHICKEN A Las Vegas resident was killed in Chicago yesterday, after apparently getting into a fight with a chicken. It is reported that he originally saw this chicken steal the wallet of a passing pedestrian, and in the struggle to get back said wallet, was pecked to death. The deceased, named as Tyler Durden, was said to die with an expression of utter amazement on his face, not suprising, as this is only the third recorded chicken-related death this year. The other two deaths involved choking on chicken bones, making this officially the first murder by chicken in the United States. More bloodshed was to follow, this time at the wake for the deceased, when a caterer was shot dead in the hotel kitchens. It is reported he made a joke to one of the victims family about making chicken sandwiches for the crowd, which offended the guests to such an extent they took it upon themselves to extract some vigilante justice to the unwitting waiter. Apparently it was too early to start the jokes about his death, though most would have had the common sense not to do so at the wake. At present, the chicken is still at large, and local Police have warned not to approach it, the foul is considered irate and dangerous. EDITORIAL By Randle McMurphy Hello folks, It’s good to be back. I’ve missed sitting in the editors chair, and let me tell you, my butt has never been more comfortable now I’m here again. There have been a number of newspapers sprouting up recently, and this can only be good for the industry, some healthy competition is just what we need to motivate ourselves. We are still proud to be the community’s number one newspaper, however, and would like to thank our loyal readers for their patience. We are also hiring at present, so any aspiring writers, see the classifieds section for details. Sincerely, Randle P McMurphy Editor – Mafia Gazette CLASSIFIEDS The Gazette Needs YOU! We’re back, but we still need staff. So folks, if you’ve got something you would like to add to the Gazette, by all means send it in. Permanent and part-time jobs are available, but PLEASE SUBMIT A SAMPLE ARTICLE WITH ALL APPLICATIONS.